bodies in the know
elena mudd
every day can be a battle between the self conscious and the appreciative. i am trying to appreciate my length and height, even though it feels cumbersome sometimes, and cherish the ways my body moves me through the world.
as i see my elder parents age and my father’s mobility weaken i feel a new appreciation for what my body can still do. my knees hurt sometimes after i run but i can run. i can lug my equipment up and down subway stairs. i can slow my body down to walk beside my father at his pace.
lately i’ve returned to running. Blasting my music, running through my neighborhood — it clears my mind and helps it flow. my favorite way to move is to dance, whether in a class or out with friends or alone in my apartment. i feel so joyous when I move my body for myself, when it’s tied to music.
my friend recently said the opposite of despair isn’t joy, it’s play. i feel that with dance and when i’m running around outside with dogs. the body is such a resource for play and pleasure.
as a photographer i use my body all the time bending over, getting on the ground, carrying too much stuff and i love what it can do. at the end of a long shoot day i’m exhausted and think: we did that together. making these images was one of the few times i’ve done self portraits in ten years.
i was literally running around my friend’s land in these pieces, getting scratches on my legs, sweating, going back and forth.
it reminded me of my youth, first taking photos in vermont with only myself to play with, running in the woods making images just for me.
in the last year i froze my eggs twice — through a program where I donated half and kept half. it made me feel a timeline to what my body is capable of more than ever before.
the pressure for it to perform: attract a mate, carry and birth a child. the egg freezing process took a lot of the control away from me. i watched my body physically change in the course of two weeks.
when it was over this past february i was so relieved to return my body to myself—to let it move how it wanted, give it a break from growing and harvesting eggs.
i’m glad it was capable of going through that.
it gave me a little more time to figure the rest out. right now i’m trying to give my body what it wants and needs, and be a little more forgiving towards it.
bodies in the know is our ongoing self portrait series with photographers. each series is produced through the creative lens and discretion of each artist, presenting their perspective of what it means to be in and understand their own bodies.
no. 39 - elena mudd
